By Tara
This blog post isn't about Jenny. In fact, it's not about adoption at all. It's about how I have become a completely different person over the past year and 4 months. To be fair, I don't think you can embark on a journey of this size and not be changed in some way.
The change in me came when I thought no change was needed.
The change in me came when I thought no change was needed.
I am not the same person I was on Jan 3, 2017. To be more specific, I am not the same child of God that I was a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago.
Last week, for the first time in my life, I fasted. I thought I was fasting for Jenny, but really, I was fasting for myself. The spiritual discipline of fasting is one that many Christians, myself included, find confusing. Often times we do it for the wrong reasons - thinking we can manipulate God into doing something that we want. "Look at me, God! Look what I gave up! You HAVE to answer my prayers now!" I had fasted just a few times before, and to be honest, that was my mentality.
My fast began on Saturday, April 7, the day that our adoption agency representative flew to Jenny's country to advocate on behalf of us and three other families who should have completed our adoption journeys by now. It ended on Friday, April 13, the day when the meetings with the ministry officials occurred.
Instead of stopping for breakfast, snacks or lunch, I turned instead to my Bible. Was it coincidence that one of the passages I read was 1 Samuel 17 (David and Goliath)? Did God know that I needed to hear these words this particular week: "Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few" (1 Sam 14:6b)?
And it was almost miraculous that Viv's preschool posted this on their Instagram account that Monday:
Each time I felt a pang of hunger, which was nearly all the time, I stopped and prayed. Although I prayed for Jenny and the dire situation for international adoptions in her home country, to my surprise, most of my prayers centered on asking God to find contentment in Him. I had a sincere desire for His spirit to fill me, and it did.
Yes, I was hungry. Yes, I was uncomfortable. I even got sick a few days into the fast and had a horrible headache. But God gave me strength where I was weak, both literally and figuratively. It's amazing what the Holy Spirit can do when actually attempting to tune into Him. "I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit in order to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite" (Isaiah 57:15b)
No matter what the end of this journey looks like (and yes, we're preparing our hearts for the worst) we know that God has brought us closer to Him. The "Journey to Jenny" will hopefully lead us to the adorable child God has called us to love as our own daughter. But it's also led us to a deeper relationship with Him. This journey is just a refining moment on our Journey to God.
Last week, for the first time in my life, I fasted. I thought I was fasting for Jenny, but really, I was fasting for myself. The spiritual discipline of fasting is one that many Christians, myself included, find confusing. Often times we do it for the wrong reasons - thinking we can manipulate God into doing something that we want. "Look at me, God! Look what I gave up! You HAVE to answer my prayers now!" I had fasted just a few times before, and to be honest, that was my mentality.
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| Never start a fast when there's cheesecake in the house! |
Instead of stopping for breakfast, snacks or lunch, I turned instead to my Bible. Was it coincidence that one of the passages I read was 1 Samuel 17 (David and Goliath)? Did God know that I needed to hear these words this particular week: "Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few" (1 Sam 14:6b)?
And it was almost miraculous that Viv's preschool posted this on their Instagram account that Monday:
Each time I felt a pang of hunger, which was nearly all the time, I stopped and prayed. Although I prayed for Jenny and the dire situation for international adoptions in her home country, to my surprise, most of my prayers centered on asking God to find contentment in Him. I had a sincere desire for His spirit to fill me, and it did.
Yes, I was hungry. Yes, I was uncomfortable. I even got sick a few days into the fast and had a horrible headache. But God gave me strength where I was weak, both literally and figuratively. It's amazing what the Holy Spirit can do when actually attempting to tune into Him. "I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly of spirit in order to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite" (Isaiah 57:15b)
No matter what the end of this journey looks like (and yes, we're preparing our hearts for the worst) we know that God has brought us closer to Him. The "Journey to Jenny" will hopefully lead us to the adorable child God has called us to love as our own daughter. But it's also led us to a deeper relationship with Him. This journey is just a refining moment on our Journey to God.
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