The Adoption Curse

Like most urban legends, no one is quite sure where the origin of the "Adoption Curse" lies.  Some skeptics may even try downplay its existence with words like "coincidence."  What is the Adoption Curse?  Let us give you the official Etter definition:  It's any unfortunate event that happens during your adoption process that is designed to create stress, deplete finances, and/or test faith. 

And the curse is real, ya'all.

Last week, while we were visiting N in his eastern European country, we signed consent forms essentially making the next boldly official step toward becoming his parents. 

Cut to this week.  We return home from our meetcha trip after a long day of traveling across the world late Saturday night.  Sunday morning we proceed to take showers and do several loads of laundry in the hopes that our clothes will one day be rid of the smell of cabbage and European cigarettes. 

All of that water usage turned out to be too much for our underground pipes which had already had a soft clog (unbeknownst to us).  Backing up - with waste water.  Backing up to the point of flooding our basement.  With waste water.  Our beautiful basement, lovingly refinished just about 3 years ago.  Waste water.  Waste.  Water.   Yes, the curse is real. 

BEFORE

AFTER

Yes, the curse is real.  But it wasn't our adoption that brought it upon us.  The curse started way back in the Garden of Eden and it's been plaguing mankind ever since.  The curse is the result of a fallen world and a depraved humankind.  The curse is the enemy "seeking whom he may devour."  Satan would love nothing more than to see us fail.  Wouldn't it be so easy to curse God and throw up our hands in defeat?  Why would a loving God let this happen to us who are trying so hard to follow His plan?  These unfortunate circumstances were definitely designed to test our stress, our finances, and our faith in God.

But we, as Christians, see our circumstances a bit differently.  "We know that all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).  Did you catch that?  The Bible doesn't say that "all things ARE good..." (Waste water in our basement was most certainly and unequivocally NOT good).  It says that God can USE all things for good if we keep focused on His plan (His calling) for our lives. 

Not everything happens for a reason.  And we can't control everything that happens to us.  But we can 100 percent control what we do with the circumstances life gives us.  Including waste water in our beautiful basement.  Because, yes, God can use even this for His glory.  And we will come out on the other side with newfound perseverance, character and hope.  And we'll give the glory to God!

Bonding through Ball Pits, Pretzels, and a Big Sister Who Knows His Name.

Days 3 & 4 at the Eastern European Orphanage.  The weather is chilly so we have to spend most of our time in a big playroom with a ball pit and gym mats.  N seems to love it, but of course he'd much rather be outside.

It also doesn't help that the room is actually a pass-through from one part of the hospital to the other and people are constantly coming in and out.  I'm certain he's played with everything in this room millions of times, but he still hyper-actively flits from one thing to another.  His Baba has a small bag of pretzels as a treat for him, and we've been using it to teach him the ASL sign for "more" for which he has already successfully learned the proper usage.  He's actually very smart.

The biggest reality for us is that we're not adopting an almost four-year old.  Because of his mental delay, we're basically adopting a one-year old.  His play is very similar to that of a baby's.  He's very curious and he doesn't play with other children, but he will play alongside of them and try to do what they do.   He has a short attention span, and although he understands most of what's being said to him, his stubborn streak often gets in the way of doing anything that isn't his idea.  His only words are "Da" (yes) and "Nay" (no).  We spoke to his speech therapist and psychologist and both agree that he has some form of mental delay, but both are optimistic that a family setting will be tremendously better for him than the institutional life he has only ever known.

Stray cats often take over the playground

Yesterday afternoon we showed him a video of Vivien saying "I love you, N" and holding a picture she drew for him.  He recognized his name and was immediately enthralled and watched the video on my phone no less than twenty times.  

Viv's video

Watching Big Sister

We've accomplished so much this week literally and emotionally.  We took him to get his visa picture (his first car ride in who knows how long?) and we signed more adoption documents to move the process along.  In the short time we've been here, we've seen tremendous strides made in his interaction with us, in his ability to learn simple things, and in our capabilities as parents of a special needs child.  A bond is definitely forming.  We can do this.  The tragedy is that we need to temporarily sever that bond tomorrow afternoon as we finish our week of the "Meetcha Trip."  

Trip Two, the "Gotcha Trip" will come in about three to four excruciatingly long months.  We leave behind a few shirts, a Pooh Bear that we hope reminds him of us, and a photo book of his new family members.  We also leave behind our son and consequently pieces of our hearts.  Four months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things and we know that waiting is a right of passage for adoptive families.  In the meantime, at least we have a glimpse into what life will be like with him.  And we'll go ahead and get his bedroom ready, stock up on baby bibs for all his drool, and look into some specialized doctors and services that he might need once he comes home.  

And of course we'll continue to pray:  for him, for the people who care for him, and for us - that we might be forged into the very best parents for this precious little boy God has called us to.

At First Glance

Yesterday we met our son.  We played for nearly four hours outside on the playground equipment at his orphanage.  To say he loves being outside is an understatement.  It was a beautiful, sunny and 65 degree day and we soaked in everything:  the warmth, the meeting, the awkwardness of being "mama" and "dada" to a child we've never met, speaking a language we barely know.

Where he sleeps

We got to see him eat lunch.  We got to meet some of the people who care for him on a daily basis, including his "baba" (volunteer adopted grandma).   We brought some bubbles which he loved trying to blow and chase.

Today was chilly and rainy, so we played indoors with him during our two visits.  He loved Daddy's fidget spinner, but wasn't that into a Pooh Bear that we bought special for him.  He loves being tickled, and is extremely stubborn when he doesn't get his way.  Welcome to the Etter family, little guy!

a view of our apartment building on this chilly overcast day

Our initial thoughts:

• He's a one year old in a three year old's body
• Orphanage life must be boring
• He can probably do a lot more than they allow him to do
• There's no consistent discipline
• He is definitely a Daddy's boy
• His special needs include strabismus, and possible low-spectrum autism with some type of oral condition that prevents him from speaking and causes him to drool excessively.
• Eating is a luxury and food must be devoured immediately
• He's too big to sleep in a crib
• The stairwell smells like smoke
• We wish they gave him water more frequently

Lest the world think that international adoption is all butterflies and rainbows, please know that today, our second day with him, was pock marked with epic fails.  He was upset that we had to stay inside and frequently showed his displeasure by throwing things or screaming at the top of his lungs.  Having a four-year old at home, we are not oblivious to the perils of toddlerdom, but neither are we naive to the fact that we have some work to do.  Work to make our son trust us.  Work to teach him what's proper and acceptable behavior.  Work to show him God's love. 

Tomorrow is another day and we'll roll up our sleeves and start again to forge the lifetime bonds that will make us a family.  

In a Foreign Land

Four airports, three plane rides and one car trip later, we find ourselves in a foreign land, about to meet our son.  

The gravity of this statement is not lost on us.  In fact, we feel just as we did in the days leading up to Viv's birth.  We know our lives are about to change dramatically, but we have absolutely no idea what we're truly in for.

In the 24 hours that it took for us to get here, we've had plenty of time to pray and reflect on God's grace and mercy in our lives.  Never in a million years would we have ever thought that we would be in a Eastern European country about to meet our almost four-year old son.  As we crossed over the Austrian Alps, a song lyric came to my mind and has become a theme for us on this journey:

You brought me this far

So why would I question you now?

You have provided

So why would I start to doubt?

I've never been stranded, abandoned, or left here to fight alone

So I'm giving you control.
("Lift My Life Up" by Unspoken)

Looking back on this 2 year journey, with its mighty highs and costly lows, we have seen God in every step.  He has never abandoned us, even in the darkest moments, even when we felt alone.  And as we are about to leave our apartment and head for N's orphanage, we stop to pray.  We cast our cares on God, knowing full well that He brought us here and would not take us this far only to leave us high and dry.  And as we walk up the steps to meet him, we're nervous, but we know we are not alone.  This is God's plan for us and He will finish the good work He has started.

The "Meetcha" Trip

In a just under a week, will Justin and I will fly halfway around the world and we'll get to meet our little guy in person!

Nearly every country that allows international adoption has different policies and protocols involved in the process.  Jenny's country didn't allow parents to meet children until a custody court date was set.  N's country, conversely, wants prospective parents to meet their child prior to committing to the referral and moving forward to finalize the adoption.  This is lovingly referred to as the "Meetcha Trip" (As opposed to the "Gotcha Trip" which will come next when we travel again to pick him up as an official Etter.)

It makes sense on many levels.  There were times when we wished we had gotten to meet Jenny so that we could better prepare for her arrival into our home.  What was her favorite color?  Shoe size?  favorite food?  Would she need an overnight nurse?  (On the flip side, we're infinitely glad we never got to meet her because we're certain our hearts would never have been able to recover from the loss.)

We'll get to meet N and ask all of these questions and more when we're there.  We'll get to spend time with him each day for a week, getting to know his likes and dislikes and his habits, tendencies and routines.  For the Etters, who are proud Type-A's, this will help us to at least have a tiny glimpse into what we can expect when he comes to his forever home in four to six months.

So now we're packing, setting up Airbnb accounts and trying rather comically to learn an Eastern European language.  Vivien will be staying with our friends from church and school so there won't be any break from her normal routine, except for missing mommy and daddy.

As we embark on this journey, we ask for your prayers:  for us as we travel to a small Eastern European country - it's not easy to get there from here, so pray for travel mercies!  Pray for us as we meet our little guy for the first time.  Pray for N as he meets us and pray for the adoption workers who will be orchestrating the meetings and translating between us.  Pray for Vivien as she spends a week away from mommy and daddy.

But most of all, pray that God would be honored by this trip in everything that we say and do.  We are His light and may we shine into the darkest parts of the world for His glory.