A Mother's Day Reflection from an Imperfect Mom

Let's face it....this motherhood thing is h-a-to-the-r-d.

Viv, c. April 2015

There are many times that I feel like a failure as a mom:  When my infant was declared "failure to thrive" because of her slow weight gain.  Or when she wasn't sitting up at 6 months like the books said she should be.  Or when she couldn't count to 10 by her first birthday like my friend's kid could.

Or like last week, when she completely and blatantly ignored my requests to get her water bottle and sit at the table to get ready for dinner.   It wasn't her behavior that made me feel like a failure, per se.  It was when I raised my voice out of exasperation (desperation?) and yelled at her to "listen to mommy!" I knew I had reached my breaking point, flipped my lid, and broke one of the cardinal rules of Connected Parenting.

"That's it," I thought to myself and said to God.  "I can't do this mom thing.  I'm not good at it and there's no way God will allow me to adopt a traumatized child when I can't even lovingly discipline my own biological child."

The enemy loves to steal our hope and feed us lies, doesn't he?  I have moments like these more frequently than I care to admit to you face to face.  I'm supposed to look like I have it all together and that my well-behaved little angel is a picture of perfection and a direct reflection of my unparalleled parenting skills.

Back to the incident in question:  as soon as I raised my voice, Vivien promptly got her water bottle and settled herself at the dining room table.  But that didn't erase the fact that I had lost my cool.  As we were eating and I was feeling like a failure for the umpteenth time that day, she looked up at me and softly said "I didn't listen, mommy.  I should get a timeout."  And with that, she left her seat at the table, climbed the stairs, and put herself in her room for a self-inflicted timeout as Justin and I sat dumbfoundedly starting at each other.

Could it be?  Are we doing something right?  What three-year-old puts herself in timeout?

I wish I could say that this incident is the norm in the Etter house, but lest you think we're super-parents, let me assure you that it is far from typical.  To date, that was the only time Vivien has inflicted a self-induced punishment.  And she still drives me up the wall when she blatantly ignores me.

But I do think that God gives us those "parenting wins" when we need them most.  I was in a very dark place, questioning my qualifications as a mother, when He spoke to me, through Vivien's actions, and said "See?  You can do this!  You're not a failure!"

There many times I still question my motherhood credentials, and sometimes I even let the lies bubble up to tears.  But it doesn't take much for God to bring me back into His truth. It's when Viv cuddles under the covers on the couch to watch Homeward Bound for the 3rd time in a week.  It's when she reminds us to stop and say Grace before eating a hectic, thrown-together lunch on the go.  It's when she thanks God for her big sister during her goodnight prayers.

And in those moments, I know I'm doing something right.

"She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." (Proverbs 31:25)

One Year Later

It was exactly one year ago today, on a cold January 3rd morning, when we knew our family would be expanding to include the adorable, dark-haired, spunky child featured all over these pages.

As the dust settles on another hectic holiday season, we've been quietly reflecting on all that 2017 has meant to us and all that it has taught us.  And even though Jenny is still so far away, she somehow seems closer than ever.  It's only a matter of God's time.  Soon we will board a plane to Eastern Europe.  Until that invitation comes, however, we want to reflect on this journey and thank all who have personally been touched by it.

January 2017 - It began when we read an article by our new bestie, Crystal Kupper.  Crystal and her family have become dear friends, sharing holidays, birthdays, and rejoicing in every milestone in our adoption journey.  We can't wait for Jenny to meet her "Auntie Crystal" - the woman, the mentor, the legend.  We submit a "Letter of Intent" to adopt Jenny and begin the long, arduous process of completing a homestudy.

April 2017 -  With an almost-completed homestudy in our pockets, we get the news that Jenny is able to be adopted by an American family and we are on our way to being approved for her!  This was huge news that came after a halt was placed on all international adoptions from Jenny's country. An exception was made for her since she's considered "difficult to place" due to her respiratory condition.

May 2017 - We go public with our news and confuse quite a few people by stating that Vivien is going to become a "little sister!"  We are more than overwhelmed by the love and support of our friends and family, many of whom have also been touched by adoption and fostering in some way.  We become sponges, soaking up advice and well-wishes.  Our fundraising efforts will top well over $5,000 by the end of the calendar year - a testament to God's provision along this expensive and uncertain path forged by faith. 

Summer 2017 - Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork.  We are busy obtaining fingerprints, birth certificates, and blood samples (literally) to submit our dossier to Jenny's country.  By the middle of September, every necessary document, certified twice over, is en route to the adoption agency in Jenny's country.  We are also blessed by numerous fundraising efforts, from LuLaRoe to yardsales.

 


October 2017 - Jenny's country submits her medical information, birth certificate and other court documents to us in an official referral.  Of course, we say YES to this referral and quickly apply to USCIS to begin the process to obtain a VISA for her.  We also learn quite a bit more about her medical condition, current living arrangements, and custodial history.  We connect with the international adoption department at CHOP as well as their pulmonology department in order to prepare for her arrival in our family.  We also complete a 9 week adoption course called Empowered to Connect which equips us with strategies to parent a child from a hard place.

December 2017 - The US has approved Jenny's VISA and the file is forwarded to the central authority in Jenny's country for final approval.  All of our i's are dotted and our t's are crossed.  Now we wait, and we pray, and we prepare for the journey to bring Jenny home.

The High; The Low; But God

An emotional roller coaster.  That's what this journey is.  And if it's done nothing else, it has strengthened our faith in God.  For his mercy, his grace, his wisdom, and his provision.

Yesterday, in a matter of hours, we went from the highest high to the scariest low.

The High

The adoption agency emailed us to let us know we got Jenny's referral and it's in the process of being translated!!  This is HUGE news.  It means that the authorities in her country have determined us to be a suitable family for this precious child and they are now "referring" her to us for adoption (like it was their idea!)  Normally, this is when a family will be introduced to their potential child and they'll review the child's file and records and make a decision to either adopt that child or ask for the referral of another child.

Obviously we had already prayed about and made this decision way back in January.  Jenny is ours.

The Etters are all in!

Once we get the official referral after it's translated, we will be able to send it to US Citizenship & Immigration Services (USCIS) for their approval of Jenny.  (As you'll recall, they have already approved us as a family...now they need to approve the child).  Once they approve her for immigration to the US, they will kick her file over to the US Dept of State and we'll begin to work on obtaining her Immigrant VISA.

Meanwhile, in Jenny's country they will be working on assigning her case to a court and a judge who will then set a date for the proceedings and determine the amount of bonding time they will require for us prior to the court date.  They will tell us when and for long long we will travel.

We see a light at the end of this adoption paperwork tunnel.  God is inching the door open and we can almost squeeze through!  This is actually happening!

The Low

The realities of adopting a child with special needs is not lost on us.  We do not enter into this lightly, and we have calculated the cost of adopting a child from a hard place with extra special needs.  The emotional baggage that Jenny will bring in addition to her physical baggage is daunting.  

We are currently in the middle of a 9 week adoptive parenting course called Empowered to Connect.  One of our homework assignments was to "count the cost" of our adoption.  Our answers were "money and time".  She's going to need medical care, speech therapy, and probably psychological care as well.  These things may or may not be covered by our medical insurance.  And they will certainly cost us time:  time away from our jobs as we run her to doctors appointment and meet with her teachers, time away from Vivien as we deal with Jenny's needs.  The cost is overwhelming.

We haven't studied this hard since college!

A few hours after we got confirmation of the referral, we had a consultation with a doctor from the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia's International Adoption Program.  She was very familiar with the typical needs of internationally adopted children and she shed some light on the potential cognitive and development issues that Jenny might experience as an institutionalized child.     

She also gave us some things to consider regarding Jenny's physical limitations due to her "chronic respiratory failure at night."  While she couldn't make definitive recommendations due to the lack of official medical files for this child on the other side of the world, she did want us to consider the fact that Jenny might need an in-home nurse to monitor her each night and that many commercial airlines may not allow a mechanically ventilated passenger so we need to consider how we're going to get her home.  The very expensive-sounding words "medical transport" were used.

But God

We left the consultation enlightened.  It's impossible to know everything that Jenny will need or experience until she's home and in our care.  But for now we have some homework to do and some phone calls to our insurance company to make.  We have a direction.  And that direction is forward.  It's a direction ordained by God and he has laid the path ahead of us.  We travel forward knowing where our help comes from.

I life up my eyes to the mountains - 

ehere does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip - 

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you - 

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm - 

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121