Quarantine Cocoon

The #Covidquarantine has been like a major timeout sanctioned by God - something that the Etter family learned to appreciate during the last 13 weeks of confinement within our household.  We stopped.  No restaurants, no shopping trips, no Six Flags, no baseball games, no running and running and running.  We just stopped. 

The "experts" highly recommend cocooning in the days and weeks following an international adoption, an idea at which the very busy and always-moving Etter family scoffed.  We're always on the go, so Niky better get used to it! 

And then God said stop.  Just be. 

So we did.

Like many, our new normal has been a struggle.  We are both blessed to be working full-time from home, but it does come with a new set of challenges as we've been parenting and schooling our two preschoolers while working our jobs.  Vivien's academic preschool had plenty of seat-work for her to do and held Zoom classes at least twice a week.  Niky had a tele-therapy session via Zoom every single weekday, plus two class sessions, and was offered a one-on-one teacher session which we politely declined to participate in because, well let's just say it: no human being, let alone a special needs child, should be subjected to 8 zoom meetings in a single week.

Ready to Zoom!

All of this extra together time has been a struggle, but it's also been a great bonding opportunity for us as a family and has led to the following enlightenment:  Niky today is the boy we thought we were picking up in August.  What do we mean by this?  Our expectations of Niky's cognitive capabilities and interests were significantly above and beyond what he was capable of during the days and weeks after we picked him up and brought him home.  This realization came to us after dinner last night.  Last night Niky was sitting on the floor reading a Seek & Find book, pointing to pictures and asking "What the?"

Eight months ago, Niky didn't have enough language, either in English or Bulgarian, to express this question, nor did he have any interest in sitting still, let alone looking at a picture book for any length of time.  This is a testament to just how far he has come in 10 months.  Now his current favorite activity is playing "peek-a-boo."  We are keenly aware of how far he has come, and yet how far he still has to go.

We used to have bad days...now we just have bad moments and they (mostly) never feel insurmountable like they once did.  And we have bonded significantly and learned to trust each other, which makes the tantrums and trauma slightly more bearable and certainly more understandable.  

We hope you, too, have had a chance to breathe.  Amidst all of the uncertainty, the fear, the isolation, one thing has always remained:  God is in control.  He knows what we need, even when we think we're doing just fine.

Family in Waiting

There's something special about this time of year.  Spring flowers, freshly cut grass, and chirping birds are the harbingers of longer days and warmer temps.  They bring a certain hope.  A hope to grasp and cling to.

At this very moment, we are at the exact same place on the international adoption timeline where we were with the adoption of "Jenny."  The US Embassy in N's country has issued the "Article 5 Letter" to the Ministry in N's country.  This letter essentially states that the adoption is copacetic with all of the Hague requirements of an international adoption and that N is allowed to immigrate to the US as our child.

Now we're waiting for a court date.  The court proceedings will take place in N's country and a member of the adoption agency will represent us which will save us a trip across the world.  Once the judge decrees the adoption as official, N will get his passport and we'll be invited to go pick him up.

We've been here before. And we take nothing for granted.  We have heard that no judge has denied a family in Hague history.  After all, to make it even this far requires much effort and scrutiny from both American and foreign authorities.

A picture Vivien drew of her with her little brother (Apr 27, 2019).

It has been a while since our last blog post - and people are starting to wonder.  Golly, even we are starting to wonder.  Where's our paperwork?  Who's our judge?  Why haven't we been given a court date yet?  Every week that passes is another week without our son.  It's a week farther from the bonds that we tried to leave with him back in March.

Until we get the call, we'll keep praying:  Father, please put our paperwork into the right hands today.  Allow our case to be scheduled and progress to be made on this journey.  And in the meantime, please continue to prepare our hearts and minds to add this little one to our home.  In Christ's precious and all-powerful name, Amen.  

The Journey Continues

Grief is a funny thing.  Each person handles it so differently.  I've grieved the loss of a beloved pet.  I've grieved the loss of my daddy way sooner than anyone should have to.  And now I can say I've grieved the loss of a child I never had.  Talk about not being fair or not having closure.  How is one supposed to move on from something like that?

I'll tell you how:  by realizing this loss is part of a bigger picture.

And maybe, just maybe, the Journey to Jenny was never supposed to lead us to Jenny.

So, our journey continues.  If you're still here for the ride, we covet your prayers.  It hurts to re-embark on this journey.  It's like re-opening a wound that never healed.  But God has given the Etters a heart for adoption.  And so we press on.  To pray for the orphan; to intercede and defend; to bring an unwanted child into our lives. 

Buckle up.  This journey rolls on!

The End of the Journey to Jenny

On Monday, June 18th, we received the phone call we'd been praying for since December:  The Ministry approved our Article 5 Letter!  This meant that we could now petition the local courts in Jenny's region to set a date for the adoption hearing.  As soon as I heard the news, I started mentally packing our bags and putting a hold on our mail.

There was just one pretty big devastating snag of a hiccup: On the same day a foster family from Jenny's country had finally stepped forward for her.

If you've been following our journey from the beginning, you probably already know what that means.  The current administration in her country is extremely nationalistic and wants their kids to stay put.  This means that even an out-of-the-blue foster family > a willing, able and loving family from a foreign country.  Even if that foreign family has been waiting and praying specifically for her for over 18 months.  

Even if that family has a bedroom already prepared for her.  
Even if that family has already consulted the world's best pediatric pulmonary doctors.
Even if that family's friends and loved ones have prayed and donated time, efforts, resources and acts of every kindness to bring her home.
Even if that family thought they were following God's plan to make Jenny their daughter.   

A room full of books, clothes, gifts, and love - all ready for Jenny.

Our only thread of hope was that the potential foster family would be found inadequate to care for her and her special needs.  We prayed.  But we weren't sure exactly what we were praying for.

The news came two days later, in a place and a way that only God could have orchestrated.  

It was Adoption Advocacy Day and we were in Washington DC, literally on the steps of the Capitol Building with an agenda chock full of meetings with New Jersey Congressmen and Senators.  We were surrounded by a busload of various adoption professionals, including two from our own adoption agency, when we got the most devastating news: Jenny's potential foster family was actually perfect for her and wanted to adopt her.

And just like that, our journey to Jenny had come to an end.

We realized the irony of our devastation.  For Jenny, it means not having to leave the only country, culture and language she's ever known.  It means she'll get a forever family...and wasn't that what this journey was all about in the first place?

But our hurt is deep.  The wound is still raw.  How do you grieve the loss of something you never really had to begin with?  Yes, we're questioning God.  Why?  How could this happen?  Did we not hear His direction clearly?  Were we wrong?  Was this not His will for our family?  Why allow us to get this far?  

Did we travel this journey to be humbled?  To be refined?  To strengthen relationships with many of you who have supported us along the way? Did we experience this loss so that we could comfort others on similar journeys?  Did our own journey raise awareness in Jenny's country and ultimately allow her to find her perfect forever family?  Was our journey to Jenny really just a catalyst to a bigger journey yet to be known or to another child whom God has planned for us?

The answers may never come, and we have to be okay with that.  Because God really is bigger.  His ways are not our ways and His plans are not our plans (Isaiah 55:8-9).  

Make no mistake:  Jenny will always be part of our family.  When you come visit us, you will be greeted by her pictures hanging on our walls. Vivien will still speak of her "big sister" and we'll still pray for her every night. And we will run to her and embrace her as our own in the Promised Land someday.  

This may be the end of "The Journey to Jenny," but the road is still stretched far ahead of us and we know the One who guides us forward.  Thank you, friend, for being along for the ride.  

Mr. Smith goes to Washington

Jenny's country has not issued a single approval to a foreign family yet in 2018 which many of us feel is in violation of the Hague Convention protecting children's rights to families as well as a grievous human rights violation.

These waiting children need families.  

United Vee Stands

But where is the justice?  What is our recourse?  We're dealing with a foreign government, after all.

About a month ago, a few friends mentioned that we should reach out to our Congressman.  We balked at the idea thinking it would ruffle feathers in Jenny's country.  But as the dust started to thicken on our file overseas, we fought hard trying to hear God's direction.

Was it "Be still and know" or "Fight for your daughter"?

Our Congressman is Rep. Chris Smith (NJ-4).  Leaving partisanship off the table, we began to research what he could do for us and for Jenny.  We discovered that he was quite possibly the best person we could have in our court.

• Co-Chair of the Commission on Security and Cooperation in Europe (US Helsinki Commission)
• Co-Chair of the Bipartisan Congressional Pro-Life Caucus
• Co-Chair of the Congressional Caucus on Poland
• Senior Member of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs
• Member of the Congressional Human Rights Caucus
• Member of the Congressional Coalition on Adoption

On Thursday, June 14th, we met with his District Director, Mr. Jeff Sagnip, in our local office.  During the two hour meeting, we laid everything on the table:  our concerns with Jenny's country placing a silent moratorium on foreign adoptions leaving waiting families and children in limbo; the lack of support and transparency from DOS and the OCI, and the drastic decline of international adoptions in general.

Meanwhile, in God's perfect timing and at the urging of another family who is also waiting for approval from Jenny's country, we signed up to attend the "National Adoption Advocacy Day" in Washington DC being held on Wednesday, June 20.  This day was organized by the National Council for Adoption (NCFA) and was designed to alert various representatives in DC on current issues and legislation affecting the adoption community as a whole.  We signed up to attend to draw specific attention to the issue we're facing with our international adoption.

When Jeff heard that we were going to be on the Hill the following week, he urged us to schedule a meeting with Rep. Smith's office while there.  He briefed Rep. Smith and his appropriate staff on our situation and organized our meeting with Mr. Mark Milosch, Deputy Chief of Staff and member of the Helsinki Commission, and Ms. Monica Herman, Legislative Assistant to Rep. Smith.  

#makeadoptiongreatagain

Mr. Milosch and Ms. Herman were both extremely sympathetic to our story and we're certain they will do all that they can to assist us where, and if, they are able.  

We aren't sure yet what the outcome of our meetings will be for us personally.  But it was an honor to be able to bring our personal concerns to individuals who may be able to prevent these circumstances from happening to another adoptive family in the future.  

Love is Bigger Than Anything in Its Way

The Etters love U2. 

When we heard about the summer 2018 American leg of their "Experience & Innocence" tour, we faced the reality that we would have to miss the boys this year because we'd be home "nesting" with our newly adopted foreign-language daughter suffering from a severe medical condition. 

When it became clear that our dream of bringing Jenny home wasn't going to be happening anytime soon, we secured some over-prices tickets from Stubhub and caught the June 13th show in Philly (Tara's 7th time, for those keeping record). 

In true U2 fashion, the guys put on a great show with an eclectic set list of old and mostly new stuff.  It was a bittersweet show for us as we kept thinking "We shouldn't even be here" and the tears flowed freely as Bono crooned a song from the new album called "Love is Bigger Than Anything in Its Way." 

This journey to Jenny has been fraught with uncertainty, disappointment and at times, little more than blind hope.  But Bono is right.  Love really is bigger than anything in its way.  And we know that love will #bringjennyhome someday.

The door is open to go through

If I could I would come too

But the path is made by you

As you‘re walking, start singing and stop talking

Oh

If I could hear myself when I say 

Oh

Love is bigger than anything in its way

So young to be the words of your own song 

I know the rage in you is strong

Write a world where we can belong

to each other and sing it like no other

Oh

If I could hear myself when I say 

Oh

Love is bigger than anything in its way

If the moonlight caught you crying on Killiney Bay

Oh sing your song, let your song be sung

If you listen you can hear the silence say 

When you think you’re done, you’ve just begun

Love is bigger than anything in its way 

Love is bigger than anything in its way 

Love is bigger than anything in its way. 

Where's Jenny?

"So what's the hold up?  I thought you'd have Jenny home by now!"

Yeah, so did we.

Viv says "This would be so much more fun with my big sister!"

It seems that the hold up is the result of many things that are much bigger than we anticipated.  When we began this journey, we knew there were some issues in Jenny's country that may present a few hurdles along the way, but we never imagined a delay this long or the possibility of an outright denial.

Since we're being asked almost daily what some of the issues are, or how you can pray specifically, here's a rundown:

National Pride 
The current administration in Jenny's country is very nationalistic, which is admittedly an admirable quality.  After all, aren't we Americans as proud as anyone of our country?  As such, the leaders in her country are very adamant that their orphans remain there, even if no domestic family can be found for the child. 

We knew this to be the case shortly after we found Jenny on Reece's Rainbow.  We hadn't even begun our Home Study yet when we were told that all international adoptions in her country were put on hold due to new legislation.  By God's providence, Jenny was determined to have international status in large part due to her "difficult life and health situation."

Regulation Nation
Lest we begin to cast all of the blame on the officials in Jenny's country, we should take a step back and see the bigger picture.  Over the past month, a spotlight has begun to shine on issues with international adoptions in general - not just those in Jenny's country.

Fox News Video

A mere 1 week after our adoption agency flew to Jenny's country to advocate for us, Fox News @ Nite aired the clip above.  Two days later, a friend from church handed me her copy of World Magazine which featured the following article:  "Regulatory Orphans."

Just Google "Decline in International Adoptions" and you will come upon dozens of hits, most dated within the past few weeks.   Our own state department is making it more and more difficult for US families to adopt children from other countries.  One by one countries are dropping out of international adoptions altogether.  Russia, Guatemala, Ethiopia, and now it looks like even Japan and Korea are making it more difficult for their children to be adopted abroad. 

So what can we do? Pray.  Pray for international adoptions.  Pray for the families that have invested so much time, emotions and money into this process.  Pray for the children, many of whom are institutionalized and/or with special needs.  Pray for God's intercession.

And raise awareness of this issue.  I don't think we've heard the end of this story just yet.  Our journey is far from over.